When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.