When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Whoa 😂
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.