When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
seems like a niche market
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Lmao
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.