When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Nothing.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace