When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship