When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.