When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”