When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger