When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?