when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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what if we kissed on the garfield couch
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
i can’t wait that long
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Bros before Ohioes