When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
buys donuts instead
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Genius idea!!
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.