When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.