When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
You Might Also Like
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.