When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
kevin is now a local weatherman
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing