when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Oh my god
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.