When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
the saddest jazz hands ever
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
This classic never gets old . . .
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.