When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.