when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.