When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
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My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you know, you know
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?