when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”