When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Only short people can save us
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Whoa… oh I see lol
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.