When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
You Might Also Like
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
This guy gets it.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Godspeed, John Glenn