When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???