@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

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@That_Damn_Duck

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@solsayswhaaa

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

@nekolot

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

@PlainTravis

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

@junejuly12

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

@outsmartedmommy

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

@mortimermaiden

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

@BangMyBongo

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

@TribalSpaceCat

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?