When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
and now we wait
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.