@roxiqt

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

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@Amusitr0n

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

@Shenanigans_luv

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

@DukEB51

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

@BacklineNurse

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

@SardonicTart

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

@ToriTheMom

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

@AmericanGent69

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

@praisecheese

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

@BobTheSuit

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

@aotakeo

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]