When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
He took my last fry, your honor
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza