When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
incredible
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.