When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.