ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack