When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

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wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these


Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.


Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”


Me: Everything isn’t about you.


It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.


I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.


Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit


Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie


Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.


I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.