When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.