@MadGamer79
@OllyiConic wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
You Might Also Like
@OllyiConic 
@Z_Mendenhall Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
@sizabledickhead I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
@LoveNLunchmeat It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
@alisontheread I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
@ArfMeasures Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
@dumbbeezie Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
@SteveSuckington Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
@BobbyPinktin I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.