@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

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@OllyiConic

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

@Z_Mendenhall

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

@alisontheread

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

@ArfMeasures

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

@dumbbeezie

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

@BobbyPinktin

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.