when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
You Might Also Like
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
So we got a goldfish…