When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
me, too, girl. me, too.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Mood.. 😂
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage