When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
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I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.