When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
english majors be like furthermore
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.