When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Sorry not sorry.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.