When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
my mind
You just read my mind
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story