When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
The little toadstool has spoken.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.