When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
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BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*puts cutlery down*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*