When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee