When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
You sure about that?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?