“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
You Might Also Like
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars