When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
me, too, girl. me, too.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
That’s not how days work.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes