When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
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*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
It was worth a shot 😂
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.