When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free