When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Sunday
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.