When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
You Might Also Like
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?