When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”