When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.