When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday