When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶