When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
You Might Also Like
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space